Random Thoughts

I've never actually put anything on this website.

I don't know why I bothered creating a website. I never use it. I never put anything on it. It's just a pointless waste of money. Every month I am billed for a hosting fee for a website that I will rarely ever update.

It's rather stupid and pointless, but then again that phrase sums up most of my life. I have done nothing over the years but wait patiently for my slice of pie. Waiting for things to improve. I'm waiting for happiness to just magically occur. But in recent years I am discovering that such things do not happen by themselves. I have also discovered that perhaps it is too late for me to change the outcome of my life.

At this point, I do not know what I intend to do about the situation. A part of me is ready to walk away from everything and everyone that I know. Yes, even the ones closest to me. Why abandon the people I love? Because it's part of this life. The life that I no longer wish to be a part of. Anyone or anything in it is just a small part of the problem as a whole. No, the only solution is to completely end this life, in one form or another. To hit the reset button and try again.

The thing that probably holds me back from doing so is my pessimistic nature. Often I fear that I would end a terrible situation just to end up in something far worst. My misery would remain but I would simply prefer to have the old life back. And I'm afraid at that point, there would be no way to recover it.

So what is the solution? I have no idea. I keep my eyes and ears open, always looking out for alternative opportunities, but none present themselves. At least none that I don't fear. Yes, fear. A feeling that I feel so rarely.

Some people I know fear things like snakes, spiders, natrual disasters, economy crashes, political disputes, things like that. I wish my fear were that simple. Where I could simply point at something and say "I fear that thing". Instead I'm simply paranoid. I fear unknown or unseen things. If someone offers me a good deal, I fear I'm being conned. If I'm given something for free, I suspect there are strings attached. If someone wants to be close to me, I assume that they want something out of me.

It's probably this last example that is why I have grown accustomed to being alone. I like it. I didn't always, but over time, the more I spend alone the more I prefer and even enjoy it. It's a feeling of safety. When I go into public, I feel out of place at best, disgusted at worst. I have honestly been in stores, observed people doing things, and felt sick simply being in close proximity to others or simply watching the activities of others. I will often mumble terrible things about other people who have no idea what I'm saying. I've said so many horrible things about people whom I have never met or have never known. Why? Simply because they were in the same space as me and it made me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Oddly, while I like being alone, that is also when I can fall into the deepest of depression. When I find myself alone, I start thinking about my life and the longer I do this, the darker the visions that enter my mind. Bitterness sets in and it festers like a bad wound. I sometimes will think about the "what if" scenarios in my life. I'll reflect on decisions that I have made and think about what alternative lives I might be living had I made different decisions. I admit that they're not always better. Sometimes I think of ways my life could have been far worst.

One example is starting a family. For one, if I had dedicated myself to a woman and started a family, I would have far less personal time. The little things that I do enjoy would not be there. I wouldn't be able to do as much gaming or talking to my small circle of friends. Most likely I would be tending to family needs and my time and availability would be far less. Yet, at the same time, I do consider what my life WOULD have been like with a family.

The idea of having a child and passing down a legacy is both appealing and scary. I realize that when I'm gone, my family line ends. On a biological level that bothers me for some reason. However on a society level, I rationalize that it's a good thing. The world is already overpopulated and, as stated earlier, I don't think too highly of people in general. I see remaining childless as a good thing for society. Perhaps the part of me that is troubled by the notion is the more selfish side of me. At the same time, I realize I have some deep emotional or psychological issues. I think about very dark things. The fact that I'm writing this is proof of that. I would honestly worry about passing that down to my offspring. The idea that someone else would grow up and become as screwed up in the head as I am would make me feel both sad and guilty. Any time my child failed at life, I would simply blame myself. I would have been the cause by passing down my own short comings to the next generation.

Besides, for what reason would I want a legacy? Much of my family is disconnected already. Many of my distant relatives either don't know much about me or they simply do not care. But why should they? I see them less than once per year, if at all, and rarely speak to them. It wasn't like I didn't try. When me, my brother and my cousins were kids, we played together and had fun....I think we had fun. But as all of us aged and became adults, we communicated less and less. Each of us formed our own identities and for some reason, I became the outcast. Again, I don't think I deliberately set out to do that, it just happeend.

I never asked for loneliness. It just sorta happened.
....and suddenly my mind can think of nothing else to type.

Yup... I love my my mind functions. Lots of things to get out and then suddenly. STOP! No more data output for you.
And people wonder why I call myself 'stupid' all of the time.
Smart people don't forget things mid-sentance and have to constatly ask others to remind me what we were talking about.